Heroin Epidemic Benefits Heroin Users

john warner has shooting heroin

“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.” . . .

Anti-hate protest results in ‘no additional love’

The Elf Wax Times goes deep into fake hippie territory to bring you a startling exposé of despicable fear-sheep who respond better to Facebook groups than true injustices. . . .

Larry And His Flask

The Elf Wax Times got fucking wasted and saw a great show, vomited in an alleyway, then drove home to tell you about it. . . .

Eleven dead after release of new McDonald’s “food product”

Micky D’s Darkest Day: McDonald’s claims thousands of lives every year using diabetes, malnutrition and obesity, but today was different. . . .

The Elf Wax Times is brought to you by…

This is the closest thing you’re ever going to get to a commercial on The Elf Wax Times. Fuck advertising, fuck the media, and fuck your blind faith in the government. . . .

Richmond Mayor forces two children to fight

Mayor Dwight C. Jones allegedly took part in an illegal child-fighting ring that Elf Wax speculates has connections to football God Michael Vick. . . .

I’d like to sext you up

There are little girls who trail behind mommy or daddy through Anytown, USA, staring down into their twiddling hands at what is without fail – and without question – a cell phone. . . .

CIGARETTE ASH FOUND IN LOCAL DUDE’S BEER

RICHMOND, VA– A local dude became noticeably disgusted after taking a sip of beer that had been used as an ashtray. The Elf Wax Times has just received new footage of the incident. In the video, a young man can be seen displaying caveman-like characteristics before consuming a Pabst Blue Ribbon. After a rather . . .

AREA PESSIMIST SPEAKS OUT AGAINST MAIN MAN, CANDY LAND

More on this story as it develops.