The Two Minutes Hate: Wal-Mart Edition

Jim Ficks

Hi, I’m Jim Ficks and this is Wal-Mart. At Wal-Mart, we cheer every morning, working ourselves up into a ravenous furor in the name of the great one and only, the provider, the destroyer – Wal-Mart of America. I’m Jim Ficks, and I have a job now. You Don’t. I’m Jim Ficks. . . .

NEED TO KNOW: The Modern Survival-list

Cecil defends freedoms

TERROR ON THE HOMEFRONT – LOCAL HERO LARRY CECIL ADVISES ALL AMERICANS TO PURCHASE AS MANY WEAPONS AS POSSIBLE AND TO IGNORE ALL REQUESTS BY THE ATF, WHO HAVE JUST BEEN LABELED A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION. . . .

Big Bank Theory

The world’s money has coalesced into a singularity, starving and depriving the world of its means of operation. . . .

Why I can’t do Facebook

facebooker

Elf Wax columnist and internet rapist Al Stephenson delivers a biting review of the social networking fucksite, Facebook. . . .

God damn internet

The internet has taken control of our long-range nuclear missile silos. Richmond, VA readies itself for mandatory evacuation. Prepare for chaos. . . .

I’d like to sext you up

There are little girls who trail behind mommy or daddy through Anytown, USA, staring down into their twiddling hands at what is without fail – and without question – a cell phone. . . .

Roanoke Valley under fire

Virginia, U.S.–The local human plantation of Roanoke, Virginia is at the brink of destruction.

There is a major reason to believe, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that waves of mountain lions did descend on the people of the Roanoke Valley in the great retaking of the cherished homeland. Sources . . .

Don’t live a sham. Know the truth, with EvoCam

Since the dawn of time, paranoid delusional people have been denied the opportunity to dodge reality and dive into the upward-spiraling colossus of a self-feeding reward system of worry. But now we can, with EvoCam.

Combining the award-winning prestige of the highly adaptive miniature video camera with the competence of your common desktop or laptop . . .