The Two Minutes Hate: Wal-Mart Edition

Jim Ficks

Hi, I’m Jim Ficks and this is Wal-Mart. At Wal-Mart, we cheer every morning, working ourselves up into a ravenous furor in the name of the great one and only, the provider, the destroyer – Wal-Mart of America. I’m Jim Ficks, and I have a job now. You Don’t. I’m Jim Ficks. …MOAR!

NEED TO KNOW: The Modern Survival-list

Cecil defends freedoms

TERROR ON THE HOMEFRONT – LOCAL HERO LARRY CECIL ADVISES ALL AMERICANS TO PURCHASE AS MANY WEAPONS AS POSSIBLE AND TO IGNORE ALL REQUESTS BY THE ATF, WHO HAVE JUST BEEN LABELED A TERRORIST ORGANIZATION. …MOAR!

Big Bank Theory

The world’s money has coalesced into a singularity, starving and depriving the world of its means of operation. …MOAR!

Why I can’t do Facebook

facebooker

Elf Wax columnist and internet rapist Al Stephenson delivers a biting review of the social networking fucksite, Facebook. …MOAR!

God damn internet

The internet has taken control of our long-range nuclear missile silos. Richmond, VA readies itself for mandatory evacuation. Prepare for chaos. …MOAR!

I’d like to sext you up

There are little girls who trail behind mommy or daddy through Anytown, USA, staring down into their twiddling hands at what is without fail – and without question – a cell phone. …MOAR!

Roanoke Valley under fire

Virginia, U.S.–The local human plantation of Roanoke, Virginia is at the brink of destruction.

There is a major reason to believe, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that waves of mountain lions did descend on the people of the Roanoke Valley in the great retaking of the cherished …MOAR!

Don’t live a sham. Know the truth, with EvoCam

Since the dawn of time, paranoid delusional people have been denied the opportunity to dodge reality and dive into the upward-spiraling colossus of a self-feeding reward system of worry. But now we can, with EvoCam.

Combining the award-winning prestige of the highly adaptive miniature video camera with the competence of your common desktop or laptop …MOAR!