Hon. Ona T Wang issued Xiuqen’s warrant on Tuesday.
NEW YORK—An arrest warrant was issued by US Magistrate Judge Ona T. Wang and executed in full at 0500 hours 03/17 for Canadian-Chinese national Jiang Xueqin under the espionage act. Xueqin, who styles himself as “Professor Jiang” is suspected of an ongoing disinformation operation on behalf of the Chinese Communist Party. Xueqin’s YouTube channel “Predictive History” claims over 2.4m subscribers and offers an alternative analysis of history in schoolroom lecture format.
Whilst some have praised him for his accurate predictions of President Donald Trump’s re-election and the outbreak of the Iran war, others have decried him as a conspiracy theorist making spurious connections between political trends and Gnostic occult.
Luis Rossello, spokesperson for the National Seucirty Division of the Department of Justice spoke with Chronicle, “we are declining to comment at this time regarding Jiang Xueqin’s suspected affiliations. However, FBI investigators have concluded that Xueqin has been involved in an effort to sabotage public discourse in the US on behalf of a malign actor.”
Despite the ambiguities, US Attorney General Pam Bondi made a direct allusion to the CCP in a Wednesday morning press briefing: “Jiang Xueqin’s communist well-poisoning has been on our radar for a while now. CCP dark money networks have funded anti-US propaganda for decades; Jiang has been identified as one of these recipients. It is critical that prosecutors nip this in the bud before it balloons to Joe Rogan levels.”
FIRST THE EPSTEIN GAFF, NOW THIS: Bondi faces harsh scrutiny for giving the game away on China.
Bondi went into detail on the extent of the criminal complaint, “Professor Jiang’s M.O. follows textbook cult manipulation but with an academic twist. First he poses as teacher, but something’s out of the ordinary. Once dissenting voices filter out, that is when his indoctrination begins. Over the term, he gathers intelligence and passes it on to his sponsors. We don’t legislate against such activity outright as we believe religious freedom is an American right. What we did do is we found a pattern of this man leaning on foreigners to cite his theses. By doing so he artificially bumped his name up on the Google Scholar. We’re confident we can get him on forced labor charges, and maybe human trafficking to boot, a crime I know a whole lot about. We’ll do everything we can to nail this bastard![sic]”
Sneako— nonplussed on Kick.
Collaborator and understudy Nicholas Kenn “Sneako” De Balinthazy launched into a lengthy tirade on his Kick.com livestream: “This is bullshit man! Total bullshit,” he complained, “they’re trying to get the Professor for spying? Don’t they know the Chinese government already tried that back in 02? He’s one of us! How can we call ourselves the land of the free if we won’t let a Muslim or Chinaman get in on our way of life? The whole damn system is falling apart!”
Chronicle spoke with Cult Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour who analyzed Xueqin’s technique,
“It’s the same old tried and true doomsday playbook. Get everyone on that eschaton tip like you had with Rajneeshpurem or the Manson Family, once Helter Skelter’s all anyone can think about that’s when you start peddling your own brand of new age spiritualism. Get them suckers eating out the palm of your hand like it’s the only way out. He claims the Monad is preparing a great feast for us? I heard the same thing from Bob Wilson in a game of water polo back in ’76. It’s nothing new.”
Xueqin is being held in maximum security at MCC New York and was unreachable for comment.
JERUSALEM—Fans mourn the loss of Ethan Klein, cult YouTube phenom and podcast host, following a fatal cardiac episode.
Klein built an online empire with his “H3H3” brand – later shortened to “H3” – combining a unique blend of celebrity gossip and online trolling. As his star rose, Klein leveraged his gains into the “Teddy Fresh” fashion line – whose stylings centered childhood innocence and play. Many however found his public persona to be distasteful, often citing Klein’s lurid fixation on the opposite sex. Where H3 satirized targets for their womanly shortcomings, Klein himself fell prey for a very different vulnerability: his Judaism.
The backlash was co-ordinated in the belly of the grimm web, where legions of suggestible imageboard posers were directed to enact Judaism-related abuse at the behest of Daniel Keem “Star,” while the lion’s share of the trolling was spear-headed by alt-right darling Ricky_Vaughn99. Klein defied the hateful stereotyping with a wave of frivolous lawsuits, but it just wasn’t enough.
After a decade of turbulence, the Kleins took a sabbatical to Tel Aviv, offering moral support to relatives in the IDF amidst regional tensions. When President Donald Trump declared hostilities open, panic broke out as Iran announced the first missile salvo.
“Oh shit! This is it! This is the big one!” Klein reportedly exclaimed, before fighting his way to the bathroom. After an hour spent incapacitated with his bowel, concerned family checked in, but found Klein had expired in the tumult.
Panic gripped many in the region as Qatar’s $1billion early warning radar was knocked out in the initial clash.
Ethan is survived by his wife Hila Klein and their three sons. She attributes her husband’s failing health to a decade plus of cyber abuse.
Hila Klein. Inconsolable at the loss of husband, Ethan.
“It just sucks, you know? We’ve had to deal with these people for as long as we’ve been online. Ethan had Tourettes, and I watched as he degenerated in front of my eyes. New ticks and spasms came about the worse the abuse got. We’d get prank calls from people claiming to be Aryan nation or domestic terrorists. At one point we had a visit from the FBI regarding a credible bomb threat. But ever since October 7th these progressives started harassing us as well. In fact, they pretty much took it over. They tried to get CPS to take our children away by saying we were eating dog faeces. Then they started turning our friends and collaborators against us, first Hasan Piker, then Ian Jomha. I’ve been working on this make-up line for two years but they harassed my staff till they all quit, it’s practically dead on launch. Now this. My husband gone. My children without a father. I guess they finally got what they wanted!”
Chronicle reached out to Ian Jomha for an explanation on his position, his anger was stark, “look, I didn’t like the guy by the end, it’s no secret. The feuding got petty, I’ll admit, but that shit isn’t just one-sided.”
“That shit isn’t just one-sided.”
Grieving at the Western Wall has been ongoing.
Jomha described a lengthy tit-for-tat that culminated in an unlikely irony:
“My wife and I do commentary on 90 Day Fiance on our twitch stream. Well one of the cast this season was an Iranian marrying his way into the US, but the whole time he won’t shut up about how glorious America is and how oppressive Iran is. It’s like, dude, they have aircraft carriers en route to the gulf of Oman, are you kidding me? This is blatant propaganda! Of course I’m calling that shit out!”
Klein seized on the opportunity and brought the Iranian in question – Mahdi Jahromi – onto his H3 Podcast. As Jahromi told of the regime’s brutal whippings, Klein introduced him to a very western form of punishment; the humiliation ritual.
Jahromi could no more comprehend Klein’s denigration than he could the Trump admin’s threat to bomb his countrymen.
“Come on dude, look at him, he’s faking it! He’s not anti-war, he’s just saying it for the pussy!”
Jomha was resolute in his stance, but it just wasn’t enough. Quickly, the very same nihilists that hounded Klein into a decades long mental health spiral now turned on him for insufficient jingoism.
Ian “Idubbbz” Jomha. Viciously mocked for his anti-war values.
“This is the worst thing in the world to say I told you so about, but, well, shit, I told him so!” Jomha was audibly despondent on the call, verging on tears, “what’s it all worth, man? I used to work with this guy. Then he starts crashing out over the genocide and everyone’s like, what the fuck. I tried explaining to him what the military were doing, but he treated it like it’s just more gossip. There he is waving the Shah’s flag on his podcast. I’d just about written him off, his brain was so scrambled by propaganda. Then this war actually breaks out, just as I warned him, and then his heart fails? On the damn toilet? I mean, I wanted the last laugh, sure, but not like this… Not like this…”
While Jomha’s emotions on the matter were palpable, many in the comment-o-sphere attribute this to firebrand wife; Anisa Jomha, for whom he is accused of serving as a mouth piece. Chronicle reporters reached out to Jomha (Anisa) separately, but were astonished by her doctrine, “I spit on that Zionist pig’s grave!”
Discourse rages online about Anisa Jomha’s divisive third worldism, oft likened to her mentor and surrogate father; Muammar Gaddafi.
When pressed for specifics, Anisa deferred to modern history. “Qaddafi’s teachings still hold truth here, we must pursue the Third Universal Theory now more than ever,” she said. “What do you think happens exactly when the Islamist yoke finally falters? Tehran has been modernising for years, cultural standards soften despite what Zionist vermin claim. Do you expect them to just kowtow to yet more fanatical hicks? No! True liberation for Iran will come only at the hands of the People’s Congress, and with them, the fall of Baal, his acolytes, and the dream of Babylon’s rebirth. DEATH TO AMERICA! DEATH TO THE EPSTEIN CABBAL!”
When asked for any final thoughts on the drama, Jomha was curt, “I don’t know, maybe if he’d just cleaned up after his dog none of this would have happened.”
GENEVA—Each year in December the Uncles of America Society has convened since 1972. This year a special meeting was called six weeks ahead of schedule to recognize one guy: Uncle Randy.
After the 68th annual meeting of the Uncle society, Uncle Randy was said to be cool as hell in their report, and funny too.
“He’s just a pretty good old boy from what we figured of him,” Chairman Uncle Chuck said. “Randy is a fine driver, too.”
“They put a maggot under your— into your belly and eat you from the inside out.”
—Randy talks spam callers, 2025
Uncle Mike said Randy’s funnier than hell, long as you can put up with him.
Uninvited, unstoppable: Randy attends a funeral in the rain for a man who hated him. Living the “best of both worlds” Randy is wearing a Hannah Montana parasol, and just over his shoulder the hearse, partially visible.
“Randy’ll say one thing, and it’s only kind of funny,” Mike said. “Then he repeats it ’cause he wants that same laugh but it’s not funny anymore. Some time goes by. Randy says it again. He keeps saying it. 15 minutes go by, Randy’s still saying it, he says it again, ‘Did you boil the boomerhides, Daddy?’ and I’ll be a son of a gun if it ain’t funny again.”
Uncle Chris said him and Randy used to go nip-hunting on a Saturday night. Nip-hunting, less vulgar than it sounds, simply means to go out on the weekend looking to get acquainted with an old woman’s fat tits.
“We was out there nip-huntin all hours of the night till the damn sun come up, and where you think I was?” Chris said. “I was a layin in the ditch and woke up to the sights and sound of Randy beating the doors off his ’65 Impala with a 20-lb sledgehammer.”
Chuck, who says the vehicle did not belong to Randy, cites the incident as a “cornerstone Randy experience,” stating in the report that property laws cease to apply in the presence of madness and that by daybreak, that car belonged to history:
“Like I said earlier, we hereby recognize Uncle Randy as a pretty good old boy, crazy though and I should add, a rough and tumble kinda guy.”
“It’s the same old tried and true doomsday playbook. Get everyone on that eschaton tip like you had with Rajneeshpurem or the Manson Family, once Helter Skelter’s all anyone can think about that’s when you start peddling your own brand of new age spiritualism. Get them suckers eating out the palm of your hand like it’s the only way out. He claims the Monad is preparing a great feast for us? I heard the same thing from Bob Wilson in a game of water polo back in ’76. It’s nothing new.”
