SALT LAKE CITY-Forensic evidence has a lead a hand-selected set of unbiased media deprived jurors to the unanimous decision that Nancy Grace was in fact the murderer in her own biggest story.
Mrs. Grace’s attorneys were not available for comment, because they are on a vacation to the International Space Station, spending Mrs. Grace’s legal fees, approximately 600 million dollars in all. Nancy Grace was abandoned by her defense after only two days of questioning-which was followed by Mrs. Grace’s humiliating and ineffective self-defense.
Mrs. Grace made a statement in a furious but failed attempt to exonerate herself and avoid ridicule.
“I am one of the most gentlest people I have ever known. Little Caylee was murdered before I even met her, and I love her as my own daughter. These last few months being under investigation [inaudible] they’ve been horrible, horrible. I’m not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who went to law school and tried a lot of cases. I’m not guilty, and I won’t eat your souls if given the chance.” -Nancy Grace
Mrs. Grace was sentenced to death by hanging because of a backwards Utah statute dating from before the Civil War.
CNN has modified its broadcasting to a 24 hour cycle of Nancy Grace reporting her own last days from prison mixed equally with heart disease and drug commercials. This paramedia assault from hell has ended the normal lives of at least 100 million Americans every day according to the latest Nielsen ratings.
Nancy Grace has begun to feed on the negative energy and hate filled atmosphere of her prison cell and has purportedly begun to “evolve” rapidly a la Pokemon. As her prison-bound rhetoric ramps up, viewers will keep tuning in. Nancy Grace Live From Prison is the most popular television event since the Iraq War.
Her guards have issued the resounding opinion that Mrs. Grace will not be contained by her cell for very much longer. The widespread belief is that her rate of growth may reach a critical ‘Akira-like’ tipping point and she may devour the entire prison, or even the planet.
“She’s just getting too big, too fast. Being stuffed with such pure hatred will give her the strength to snap those iron bars like toothpicks. I think if she wanted to get out now, she’d just rage her way through and kill us all. She’s only staying in there for television-she’s feeding her own hatred in an infinite loop or a downward spiral-whatever. She will never be put to death, I don’t think it’s even possible at this point.”