Born under a triple rainbow after a swallow’s song foretold his coming, Kim Jong-un ushers in a new era of Fear across the so-called Lands of Democracy. His birth marks the appearance of an entirely new constellation in the phallic shape of a nuclear weapon.
The decadent West is free only to Fear him and the collapse of their feeble capitalist societies under the imminent weight of his mysterious might.
The most beautiful response to the problem of humanity is nearly 26 years old, and beckoning you from behind the 38th Parallel to the doorstep of his jewel-encrusted palace where, like Christ, he waits with tidings of Love and the oppression of your enemies.
The difference between Kim Jong-un and his father, Kim Jong-il, Elf Wax political analingists say, is his fervor for nuclear annihilation, which puts his father to shame, miraculously without dishonoring him in the process.
“Kim Jong-il,” sources say, “Will grind your weiners into atomic dust for use in the nuclear warheads aimed strategically at Alaska – a hotbed of American culture, and the source of wealth, revenue, power and world-famous quitter Sarah Palin.”
Kim Jong-un will be appearing on Saturday Night Live, the Today Show, and the late-night talk show circuit following in the Ayatollah’s footsteps.
Rush Limbaugh is hailing the New World Leader’s glorious descent to humanity by playing hours of interview footage with ex-Soviet fighters who were originally commanded by Kim’s father, whose name also starts with Kim. These interviews include the comments of senile old men with heavy Russian accents who seem to be largely intoxicated. Most of these cold-warriors express a sense of jealousy towards the Socialist system of America-alarming aging McCarthyists nationwide.
His mother, Kim Jong-suk, or as she’s better known in certain parts of North Korea, Kim Jong-sukky sukky fie dorra, died from the force of his birth, as her pelvis was split asunder. Today at the age of 23, Kim Jong-Un is reckless and violent enough to dominate all his foes and usher in a new age of pelvis-shattering hate upon any place missiles can reach.