Witnesses: Mitt Romney Masturbates on Hotel Balcony

This photo allegedly shows a nude Mitt Romney engaged in public masturbation.

SPRINGFIELD, CONN. – At 9:00 a.m., passersby in a quiet Connecticut town say they expressed horror and shock at the sight on a hotel balcony of a masturbating middle-aged man,  a man whom they claim to have been been front-runner for the Republican Party presidential nod, Mitt Romney. The cellphone photos they took, which have since ignited a social media firestorm, appear to show the former Massachusetts governor expose himself, “masturbating for all to see.” The balcony height of downtown Springfield’s Marriott  exposed Mr. Romney’s public sex act, they say, to a crowd including children as young as five.

At time of press, there is a poverty of coverage from networks due to the explicit nature of the evidence, and the gravity of the consequences for the Romney campaign. Democratic strategist James Carville today compared the mainstream media’s silence up to this point to the gulf of time between the National Enquirer’s breaking of the John Edwards affair and its widespread entry into public discourse. “It’s just denial,” said Mr. Carville, a former senior campaign adviser to President Bill Clinton.

The Springfield District Attorney’s Office says the presumptive Republican nominee has not been charged with a crime. Mr. Romney reportedly fled the balcony immediately after he was spotted, and no solid video evidence has yet surfaced. However, one witness did capture a blurry photograph which shows the candidate before he turned to re-enter a room.

Analysts suggest this is the end to Romney’s campaign, and Newt Gingrich will likely take the place as front runner after Romney suspends his campaign. Representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Mr. Romney’s religious denomination, released statements to the press saying they are “appalled by the bigotry” of commenters, whose “partisan desperation,” they say, has contributed to an animus to smear the candidate, 65. The release says the church is “dismayed” by crass insinuations “any morning ‘open-air’ masturbation ritual” is a “normal part of Mormon culture.”

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