NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

LOCAL ART “MAGAZINE” CENSORS ANTI-NUKE STORY

Roanoke, Va.–Recently, a website dedicated to sub-par musical acts and local artists took down an article written by beloved Elf Wax Times reporter Billy Walshe, probably following a complaint that it challenged a reader’s ignorant beliefs.

In a move critics around the internet are hailing as “a relatively inconsequential hypocrisy,” art website Roanoke Revolution took down an “anti-nuclear weapons” article written by one of Roanoke’s finest underground artists.

It was a move not to keep from losing advertisers, nor did Billy’s article challenge the “magazine’s” ongoing narrative of reality, since as of June, they could not yet have one, this being only their third update. It hardly challenged any belief about anything whatsoever, unless of course their editor, Jovan Rahsman, doesn’t support nuclear non-proliferation.

empty rant section 300x199 NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

Roanoke Revolution's Empty June 2010 Rant Section

But according to fans on his website, Billy Walshe is “not one to directly attack an issue head-on” in the way his article’s deletion suggests in the minds of some critical thinkers. In fact, Billy is oft referred to as the “Carl Sagan of Nukes” among those privy to his backward-ass ideologies.

“Billy loves nuclear weapons,” said Niall Coffey in an exclusive interview with The Elf Wax Times. “He talks about ‘em all the time. He even describes what it feels like to be zapped by a nuke when I’m really stoned, and sometimes he won’t let me stop imagining it.” Coffey even went on to describe nightmares of a fictional nuclear holocaust Billy Walshe sadistically imposes on him, well after the fact, regularly in his sleep.

As of right now, the article is still deleted. However, an editor of Roanoke Jingodilution said they plan to replace Billy’s article with the following video “as soon as we learn HTML”:

Billy told Elf Wax he has notified his hate group of this injustice and now armed white supremacists comb the nighttime countryside, trying to help find the deleted article, or women to rape in his honor.

It is strongly suspected by Lebal Drocer Senior Executive Officers Walshe was targeted for who he is, or perhaps his affiliation with The Glorious And Infallible Elf Wax Times. It is for this reason the staff considers removal of his article a celebration of his apparent greatness and acknowledgment of their website’s inferiority, and embarrassing unworthiness of his material.

Billy Walshe is an accomplished Appalachian craftsman, woodworker, musician, visual artist and status quo minion. In his spare time, he collects pogs and marches to find the cure for Gross Lesbianism.

lol

19 comments to NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

  • I absolutely love your website.. Excellent colors & theme.
    Did you build this web site yourself? Please
    reply back as I’m planning to create my very own blog and would love to find out where you got this from or exactly what the theme is named. Kudos!

  • Kilgore Trout

    Dear Readers,
    You appear to be very angry because we gave something that you find sacred the middle finger. I didn’t expect for you to find it funny, but there are a lot more people in the world than just Roanoke’s art and music clique. Believe it or not, they visit this web site. Just because RR waxed and polished your ego, you feel the need to defend it against the indefensible. Yes we know it was tasteless. We know we can’t even write as “good” as you can comment. Your response to this article has been more amazing and enlightening than I could have possibly imagined. Thank you so much.

  • Jackie

    Wow I actually wasted my time reading this horrible article. It is extremely poorly written. Maybe you trolls should pick up an English textbook and review how to write a five paragraph essay. The article made no sense, and it wasn’t funny despite your intense desire to copy the Onion. The author should probably go back to eighth grade.

    • That’s just the kind of response I would expect from a Gross Lesbian. I kid. Sorta. Around the holiday season, we like to keep it jovial here at the Chronicle.

      Ha ha!

      Seriously though, as a seventh grader trying to get ahead in this life, I appreciate your compliment. My only hope is to one day comment on websites as eloquently, or with at least the same disdain for bias as you can, and then maybe one day I’ll move up to YouTube.

      So I am looking through one of four English essay books I own and it appears that I wasn’t writing a five-paragraph essay. But anyway thanks for the suggestion! I am trying to get better. Maybe you can help me?

      Because you asked for it, I want to submit to you my essay outline but you didn’t leave us your email. However, I’m sure we have a few readers that can pass something on through to 24.254.155.146.

      Thanks again for your honest, unbiased, 100% purely objective review of my writing!

      • Jimmy-James

        Nice. I’m sure the guys at Bluehost agree: the best thing is that this site remains extremely simple and attracts a minimal number of visitors to keep traffic low. Don’t want another slashdot. Not to the entire 74.220.219.69:XXXX community.

        • Hit it with your best shot.

          • Jimmy-James

            Thank you Amanda but this message is for Legend of Mana.

            The last thing I would want to do is act without tact. I appreciate your permission to do so about as much as you would be able to handle a serious attack; you’re not worth it. I am a professional and my skills are not offered to fire at your generic topics. I recognize the Web (with its vulnerabilities and their thwarts) as a place for expansion and growth. So thanks for distracting them while we devels take down serious issues.

  • Mat

    Notice the writers dont have the balls to put their names on their work. And you call your selves the TRUTH….

      • Anonymous

        i don’t care what any of your names are. i just like coming here to read their crazy shit. also i happen to know james personally and he has more balls in the left half of his scrotum than you will taste in your lifetime, and that’s a lot im sure.

        hi james!! i know u dont need my defense but i love you, so there.

        plus, hello, this is a satire site. if you take any of it to heart then you dont really belong on the internet.

        “mat” you are troll food. now go read some maury povich transcripts and hopefully you will feel better in the morning.

        • Jimmy-James

          You seem to be proud of James’s alien scrotum sack. How’s that for honesty? There is an air of ignorance around this “crazy shit”—which is accurate. Also around your Love for its writer I’m sure. Take it from me: an old school troll. I’ve never taken the Internet to be restricted… to only those who lick the “crazy shit” from assholes.